Junk Drawer
Oct 24, 2023
restoring this… I gotta stop deleting things just because I don't like how I behaved… it's part of this journey, even if I'm not proud of it
I knew it. I'm all self-conscious now. Well. Let's see if we can smoosh that down a bit, shall we?
Had a very early morning, driving her to the airport for some work thing. She'll only be gone for two nights, and they're weeknights, so… not getting my hopes up for anything. But man… I'll still enjoy the break. And I guess it'll just be me at the school thing on Thursday, and I've often had good luck seeing you there… Well. 🤞 I would love to chat with you, even if only for a few minutes. About anything.
God, I miss your voice. As much as I miss anything. I'm desperate to just know what's happening in your life…
I wonder what you would think… I mean… I wonder what you think of how strongly I say I feel for you. It's absolutely true. I'm not exaggerating for effect or anything like that. I know, I know… There's still more about you that I don't know than that I do, but… I know enough to know, you know? And, besides… we have been getting to know each other better over the past year or so, and there has yet to be anything that has ever done anything other than just make me love you more. Deepen these feelings. Confirm my long-running suspicion that we fit. That my peg is perfectly shaped for… wait. Um. Wrong letter. Ahem.
We watched Alien over the weekend, so the kids will know what they're looking at when we finally get a chance to come over and check out your decorations. I, for one, have been dying to. Well, soon enough I suppose. I got very frustrated, though, and wrote you a letter about it… but then threw it away. I'm not sure… would you want to read about that sort of thing? I guess I can't know…
Well, the long and short of it was that movies weren't just a favored pastime, they were important to me. One of my best friends and I used to be those annoying people who would dissect every last aspect of the movie we just saw over a midnight breakfast at Denny's. I can't remember if I've ever mentioned this to you, but I spent serious energy in my youth aiming myself at a career in film. And, sure… obviously I ended up choosing a different path, but that doesn't mean that I lost interest.
And it's always been social for me. I will sit and watch a movie on my own, but that doesn't mean I want to. It's an experience to be shared. Even if the people you share it with don't want to pick over the details over a sub-par eggs benedict afterwards.
I don't need a fellow cinephile. Just someone who enjoys taking a movie in from time to time would do.
Not having that isn't just me missing out a bit on a hobby I enjoy. It's a not-insignificant piece of myself, sliced out and put into cold storage.
And I want it back.
I guess I had been harboring some hopes that maybe the kids could eventually fill that need, for a few years. But I was reminded that no… They do both take after me in a lot of ways (all three of us have I's at the beginning of our personality types, while she's an E, for example… INFP for me, if you're curious), but I have failed to instill my love of film into either one them. Thing One fell asleep. Thing Two needed a 24-hour intermission.
Anyways. This isn't really about you… aside from the fact that I'm reasonably sure you could fill that role of someone to take in a movie with from time to time.
Funny. I remembered writing about this before, so I looked and I did… almost exactly a year ago, after that first camping trip we did together. sigh Like clockwork, I guess.
I know it isn't happening again this season, but man… speaking of camping trips. I can't wait for the next one. I know it isn't ever ideal, but it's such an amazing way for us to get to spend time together. I can still scarcely believe you extended that invitation last year. And how the timing worked out with us buying our camper…
Must've been fate.
The movie thing isn't the only slice I've taken out of myself. There are others, big and small. And it isn't a competition or anything, but…
I just get a sense that the love you have for me is for me. Not just for how I make you feel. And I feel like I could just… be myself with you. Because I do. I am, whenever I'm with you.
I almost certainly shouldn't say this, but… You see a more genuine me than she does, because she's made clear over the decades that she doesn't even want the genuine me.
But I think you do. I'm pretty sure you do.
I just… I need to free myself, without doing too much damage to the lives of the two people in this world who mean more to me than anything.
Even if you aren't in the picture. My current misery isn't only because I can't be with you.
Ugh, anyways. Yeah. Putting this one in the shredder before too long.
Love you.
Yours,
♒️